Thank god this day is almost over… Maybe it’s just me but birthdays get worse every passing year. I know I’m anti social, I know I’m not the easiest person to hang around, I know I’m just not a people person. While none of that normally bothers me it’s stupid occasions like this that change that. Celebrations are meant to be shared with people you care about and who care about you. Unfortunately due to the aforementioned traits I tend to not have those people around me. Of course I say nothing to anyone, I just keep it inside to fester… Why share the pain when I thrive on it? Why let anyone see that I’m human? They think I’m cold and uncaring, hard and unbreakable… Why show them I am weak and afraid……. Why let anyone in, why let them know they can hurt me, just why? It doesn’t really matter…
Oh well, it’ll be okay. Anyways, I have bigger issues to deal with. Packing, sorting, deciding what stays, what goes. Guess I’ll just get back to that.
Yeah, I’m having a pity party, I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, so sue me, I think I’m entitled to feel bad for being alone today…
No More Feeling. No more care, concern or compassion. No More.
I can no longer waste my time on those unworthy of my soul. It’s funny that it seems the darkest periods of my life are repeating themselves. Hopefully like the last time, posting poetry from the last dark period will help me move on from the latest.
To whom this poem is dedicated to… FUCK YOU, you never deserved anything I gave you.
I Smile, I Laugh I’m dead inside I Joke, I Tease Nope, still dead inside I Giggle, I Flirt Dead as hell I don’t give a fuck I don’t care You’ve had your fun Now go away Leave, NOW I don’t need you I’m dead inside Game Over
We’re all guilty to some extent of casting judgment on others. It isn’t right, not by a long shot, however it is reality. Very few people, if any, exist who can honestly say they are completely nonjudgmental. I try my best to refrain from judging others, but all too often I fail at that endeavor. The only thing I can say to my credit is that more often than not I base my judgments on facts, not emotions, and when facts are unavailable I tend to reserve judgment until they are. Unfortunately as of late more and more Americans are proving that they do not share my views on judging others. I know I have stated previously I will not comment on the Trayvon Martin shooting, which I won’t, at least not the incident itself. However I do feel the need to comment on the circus surrounding the shooting. That being said if you are ignorant and have already made up your mind about what happened even though the facts are not public knowledge I suggest you stop reading now lest you be offended.
First of all, let me say that my disgust with the media has reached record levels in light of the coverage given to this case. Not the amount of coverage, but the sheer volume of biased rhetoric and innuendo based solely in supposition being spewed forth by supposedly impartial reporters. It makes me cringe to see the oxymoron that journalistic integrity has become. The media is supposed to report news, cold hard facts. They are here to inform the masses, not lead them to a conclusion they have not reached on their own. Unbiased reporting is a key element in discovering the truth surrounding any issue or incident, without it one can never know if what they hear is opinion or fact. It started with certain outlets portraying the victim as a small innocent child and the shooter as an overweight angry man. While neither portrayal has any bearing on what actually happened they do have a strong bearing on public opinion. Seeing as how that we (general we) are not privy to any of the facts of the incident, rather only hearsay, ploys like the aforementioned only serve to incite the populous and fan the flames of ignorance. However as misguided I feel that was, the countering idiocy was just as bad if not worse. Identifying pictures as Trayvon looking like a thug, which were not him, simply to portray him in a negative light is sickening to say the least. Any way you slice it the media has done it’s best to twist and distort what little factual information has been released to portray their viewpoint in the best light possible, frankly it is absolutely revolting.
Next we have the obligatory pseudo activists whose entire life revolves around emboldening others to behave irrationally based solely on assumptions and inferences. While people of this ilk come from all walks of life, creeds, colors and affiliations, the two most prominent at the moment are the Reverends, and as a Christian I use that term begrudgingly, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. These two moved in as they have so many times in the past to stir up racism, misplaced anger, and pseudo outrage. Facts do not matter to these two, just look at their history for evidence of that. They, along with groups like the Black Panthers have done their very best to rile and inflame the very people they claim to wish to raise up. How is inciting violence a way to improve the lives of those you claim to care so deeply for? Can anyone explain that to me? Of course on the other side we have imbeciles like Geraldo Rivera stating that Trayvon wouldn’t have lost his life had it not been for his fashion choices… Really? He died because he was wearing a hoodie? Damn I have a hoodie on most days, does that mean shooting me would be justified? This blatant ignorance cannot be explained away because it is purposeful. These asshats know exactly what they are doing and they thrive on the unrest they cause simply because it gives them the pulpit in the spotlight they so viciously crave. Inciting violence, inspiring fear, attempting to impose your ingrained hatred upon others will do NOTHING to bring justice in this matter, not one damn thing.
I’m not even going to touch on Obama’s remarks, nor those of any other politician or celebrity simply because I know for a fact I could not control my anger when speaking of them at the moment. What I will say is this rush to judgement based solely on emotions and tired rhetoric is stupid to say the least, deadly at worst. None of us, not you, nor I, nor any other asinine individual with the gall to throw stones at this point have the facts, all we have are suppositions and assumptions. Death threats, bounties, rioting, none of it will put the bullet back in the gun, none of it will turn back the hands of time. Insinuations, accusations, attacks, none of it will free anyone from the pain they are experiencing. All it does is serve to propagate the hate, strengthen the divide. This rampant asshattery needs to stop and stop now. We need to let the wheels of justice turn and only if they fail do we then have a right to be outraged. Until that does or does not happen people must temper their emotions with logic, no matter how difficult it is. For if they don’t, true justice will never be served.
Normally I post my videos at the end of my entry, however in this case I posted it first because I would like you to listen to it as you read….
“Sticks and stones may break my bones But words will never hurt me”
Whoever came up with that particular piece of tripe was either ignorant, delusional, a liar, or all of the above. Words do hurt, and hurt badly. Words are the purest expression of hate. Fists may leave a bruise, but words scar the soul. Words are especially damaging to those in formation, the children.
“Why are you so damn stupid?”
Children learn from example, children believe their parents, their peers, their family, their friends, society as a whole. When a child is accused of being stupid, or told they are stupid it marks them, it undermines them, it is something they will carry with them throughout their life. No matter what they accomplish, how much they achieve, there will always be that voice telling them just how stupid they really are.
“You’re such a worthless piece of shit”
How can anyone be worthless? How can a child be worthless? Are we not all born with an inherent sense of worth? When you look at your child, or anyone you care about for that matter, and tell them they are worthless you are destroying their very self, you are doing your best to extinguish the light in their soul. Why? Why would anyone want to do that?
“Garbage in, Garbage out, that’s all you’ll ever be”
When you treat someone like garbage is it any wonder they see themselves as trash? That they see themselves as disposable? Children are not garbage, Humans are not garbage. We are not disposable, castoffs summarily forgotten. We are not easily replaceable.
“You make me sick”
How can a child make you sick? How can an innocent person repulse you? Ask yourself next time those words cross your lips, is it not you yourself that sickens you? Are you not projecting your inadequacies on the nearest available vulnerable target? Are you not the repulsive one?
“God you’re ugly”
Children are beautiful, masterpieces, works of art, they are not ugly. People are not inherently ugly, it is their actions which make them so. Labeling someone ugly because they do not fit your preconceived definition of beauty exposes the ugliness contained within you. Your putrid soul which no amount of supposed physical beauty will ever overcome.
“You disgust me”
Children aren’t disgusting, people aren’t disgusting, they may be gross at times, or do something disgusting, but that’s life. Telling someone they disgust you because they messed up, because they made an honest mistake is the epitome of cruelty, it crushes the soul. When the one you want nothing more than to please tells you how disgusted they are with you it make you question why you even exist.
“What is wrong with you? Can’t you do anything right?”
Failure to achieve a goal does not make one useless. Failure to to live up to anothers expectations is not wrong. People can only try their best, this isn’t Star Wars, you aren’t Yoda, it is never only Do or Do Not. Trying your best is sometimes all you can do. To chastise another for not fulfilling YOUR goals for them makes no sense.
“I can’t stand you… GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”
Children know when they aren’t loved, they know by the way they are spoken to, the way they are looked upon, they way they are treated. They know when their very existence is despised. Children know.
Words hurt, they hurt bad. They cut, they scar, they bruise, they tear the soul to shreds, they break the will, crush the spirit, kill the joy within. Words can damage a person quicker than any knife or gun. Words can be deadly, they kill from deep inside. Words are not innocuous, they have power you cannot even begin to fathom…
Parents, watch your words. Children are fragile, easily scarred. What you say now will leave a mark that lasts forever.
I really have nothing to say today. While there are many topics I would like to cover most of them inspire such rage in me at the moment blogging about them wouldn’t be a wise idea. I thought of maybe trying to be funny, but I’m not up to it, I’m rather content in a sick twisted way to sit here and stew.
All I can say is I am tired of the hate, the intolerance, the ignorance, I’m sick and tired of it all. We are ALL members of the human race. If we keep this up we will be the designers of our own destruction. If that’s what you want, to destroy what so many have worked so hard to create, do the world a favor and start by destroying yourself.
From now on I will no longer put anything out there I am not willing to lose. It’s just not worth it. I need to conserve the little I have to give for those who actually need it. That being said I hope to god this is the last personal blog I write for a while, at least until I am able to write about something uplifting and worthwhile for a change.
I just want to go home, that’s all. Unfortunately home isn’t really home for me.
Home is supposed to be a safe and welcoming place, a place where you can be yourself without fear. Home should be a place of acceptance and love, not judgment and disdain. Sadly my home is not the refuge I crave, it’s a toxic place full of disregard, disrespect, and loathing the likes of which you wouldn’t believe. What makes it worse is no matter how many time I escape, how many times I move away and distance myself from the toxicity, I come back, I always come back. I come back seeking approval from the very people who make no secret of their contempt for me. People who will never show me the unconditional love and acceptance I so fiercely crave. I come back to hear yet again, how worthless I am, what a waste of life I have become, how I have let them down, disappointed them once again. I come back to watch myself cast aside, discarded like yesterdays trash.
I can’t do this anymore. No matter what anyone seems to think of me, I know I deserve better than this. I deserve to be treated humanely, with kindness, with compassion at the very least. I must do everything in my power to remove myself, my children from this vile place. Move on to better, to healthier environments. Places where they and I are celebrated for who we are, faults, failings, and all. A place where I can at last feel safe and secure. A place I can truly call home.
I wrote this a couple of years ago, during one of the many dark periods in my life. I know it sucks, I know its crap, it just fits right now. Not looking for critique, or compliment, I just needed to post it.
I’m tired of being tossed away
I’m tired of being discarded
I’m tired of being used
I’m tired of hoping and wishing for nothing
I’m tired of hoping and wishing for something
I’m tired of hoping and wishing at all
I’m tired of missing a hug
I’m tired of missing love
I’m tired of missing out
But worst of all
I’m so fucking tired of not getting tired of you.
I am so so SO fucking tired of the senseless waste of life. I arrived home from dropping my daughter off at the bus stop yesterday to news of a shooting in a local community. A shooting in a high school. A tragedy which could have been prevented, couldn’t it? Five students were shot, three have passed away. Why? Why are there three dead young men, cut down before they had a chance to live? Is it as some have said the result of bullying? He wasn’t even a student at the school where he went on his rampage, he was simply there to switch buses. What the sam hell is wrong with this world where we believe violence is the only answer? This has to stop and stop now.
Parents, TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN!! Be a parent, don’t think it can’t happen to you. Teach your children not to bully, to stand up for themselves and others. Listen to your kids, take care of them, treasure them, stop letting them fall to the shadows because you are to self absorbed in your own drama. Just stop it, please…
Today was a good day, I cannot let myself forget that no matter what happens. I cannot let the actions of an idiot affect me or the fact I spent an amazing day with my kids. Easier said than done though, far easier.
Right now I have had more than enough of idiots, imbeciles,asshats, etc… etc… People need to stay the hell out of my business unless invited, simple as that. I am tired of liars, fakes, and jackasses. Unfortunately I surrounded myself with just such people in the past which allows for them to pop up in my life when they are least expected and never wanted. Sometimes I just want to run far far away, go somewhere no one can find me. Go somewhere no one knows me, no one holds a claim to me. Somewhere no one can hurt me, use me, discard me. I am not disposable contrary to what many seem to think. I have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know, and it is easily bruised. Just because you don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t. I believe lies all too often. Pretty words meant to blind me from the truth. DAMMIT if you want something just tell me. Don’t tell me you care, when all you want is a piece. Don’t tell me that you’ll be here for me when all you want is someone to dump on until you feel better. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear because I don’t. Don’t lie to me, don’t use me, don’t hurt me. If you can’t do that leave, leave now.
