Not much to say today, had a nice afternoon with the little one at the park. Gorgeous weather, especially for April, felt more like June. Anyways Ana had a blast as did George…
Meet George..
The day was so gorgeous even her hands were smiling...
Today was a light day at school for her. They got to dress down due to the campus clean up they were doing in honor of Earth Day, so it was an extra treat when we continued her outdoor activities with a stop at the park on the way home. If only I could convince her that gathering sticks for a bonfire in a city park is pointless. However whenever I point it out to her she always responds with…. “Well how am I supposed to cook the bird for dinner then?”
What I wouldn’t give to recapture the imagination of a child. The days were so much simpler then. I just hope she hold onto it as long as she possibly can, for reality is often dirty and painful. Oh well, she’s young, she’s happy, she shares her joy with everyone, that’s all that really matters isn’t it?
Silence is golden, or so they say. Biting ones tongue rather than expressing ones thoughts, opinions, feelings, etc… is looked upon as a sign of maturity. Holding back what one feels has become the socially acceptable norm it would seem. Society frowns upon displays of emotion, it is as if joy or sorrow, pain or pleasure, love or hate, all of them should be kept under lock and key so to speak. Shielded from the prying eyes of others. Why? When did we become so disdainful of human emotion? When did we lose our sense of empathy? I want to share my joy, share my love, share my hopes and dreams. I want others to share theirs as well. I fully accept that by wanting to share the positives with and of others means I must share the sorrows, frustrations, and pains as well. I am willing to do that though, for I fully embrace my empathy, my humanity, my soul. Locking away what one feels is not healthy nor wise. Putting on a stoic mask and portraying oneself as emotionless only serves to separate one from society, to further isolate the individual. We are all in this together, it’s far past time we started acting like it.
Share your joy, share your grief, I will laugh with you, I will be the shoulder you can cry on.
Share your dreams, share your nightmares, I will encourage you, I will soothe you.
Share yourself with the world and the the world share itself with you. No one is an island, no one can exist in pure solitude. Let others in, let others erase the silence in your soul.
Back to the daily grind, not altogether welcome either. Spring break officially ended at 6:30 this morning. While I will welcome the peace and quiet around the house, I will not welcome the fact that the evil glowing orb is now taking precedence over the magical beautiful moon… But that’s a story for another day. Today it was back to the grind as I said, back the the trek to the bus stop, and as usual my walk with the little one was quite entertaining….
I was a bit perturbed as we left the house to see that the seasons are changing and the evil glowing sky orb is coming earlier and earlier every day. Instead of the usual darkness which shrouds our morning walk I was confronted with the dreaded lightening sky. Matters weren’t helped by Ana letting me know how disappointed she was in the tooth fairy. Too bad the tooth fairy wasn’t aware that her services were needed last night. Luckily as Ana described stuffing the envelope containing her tooth into her dog pillow I was struck with inspiration. I quickly and emphatically explained to her the Tooth Fairy’s utter fear of dogs. I pointed out to her that the Tooth Fairy was so mistrustful of dogs the mere thought of sticker her hand in one to grab her bounty and leave a reward terrified her to her very core. Begrudgingly she accepted my explanation and was soon distracted by the fact I had beef jerky money, so all was well…
Once we arrived at the bus stop Ana assumed her customary perch on the inner curb (far away from the street) and began what I have come to view as her morning broadcast. Who needs NBC when you have a Mini? Today’s commentary was brought to you by the changing of the seasons, which allowed for Ana’s in depth analysis of the cloud formations. The first one she spotted was the Turtle Dragon. As my back was turned to her view I was a bit dumbfounded when she started rambling about Turtle Dragons, which frustrated my little one to no end. After an exasperated sigh and obligatory eye roll she said “The clouds MOM, that one right there looks like a turtle dragon”… Of course not willing to draw her ire any further I turned around and had a look. Wouldn’t you know it, it did look like a turtle with the tail of an oriental dragon. As I was contemplating how wonderful it must be to have such a vivid imagination as my daughter enjoys, she began pointing out other formations she saw, starting with… “That one looks like a socket wrench”. Bless her little grease monkey heart, that made my day, lol. Unfortunately the winds in the upper atmosphere began to pick up at that point, all but destroying the new found sky art… But it all worked out for the bus was turning the corner and it was time for her to leave. After my standard kiss and hug I bade her goodbye as she ran off to board the bus.
As I was walking home I caught a glimpse of a beautiful sunrise and chastised myself for not bringing my camera along. I know, I could have taken a picture with my phone, however recent experience has shown me I would be sorely disappointed with the results so I didn’t bother. I was almost all the way home when I happened to glance down and saw my little friend….
Such a cute little guy, I so wanted to take him home
From the picture I doubt you can tell what the hell it is, so to stop any confusion, it’s a small snake. I really wish the camera on my cell was better, he had such a beautiful patten on his skin, muted, yet striking at the same time… I wanted to bring him home with me, unfortunately I had no where to put him, plus I doubted he would have enjoyed captivity so I let him be….
For all the havoc wrecked by the evil glowing sky orb it has been a decent morning, lets just hope it keeps up….
Yesterday while at my moms she decided it would be a good time to give me my birthday presents, saves a trip for me to darken their doorway on my actual birthday later this week. I got the obligatory clothes, some T-shirts and a sweater, the typical old lady gift, ie… a winter coat fashioned for someone my mothers age, and to my surprise and great joy a blanket. Not just any blanket, a black, fluffy, cuddly, snuggly, plush blanket. A blanket which makes one long to snuggle up with a good book, a cup of Caffe Greco and a stuffed seal named Spotty. A blanket which evokes visions of naps in the arms of a lover, long slow cuddles before a flickering fire. A blanket meant to protect you from the pain of loss, meant to comfort and console. Who would have ever thought my mother would have given me such an amazing and perfect gift…
I slept with my new blanky for the first time last night and oh how glorious it was, I actually slept for over eight hours thanks to my magical and all powerful fluffy cover. No dreams, no waking in the middle of the night, no complications at all, nothing but oh so decadent sleep. I wrapped myself in its comforting fluffiness and let the security of it envelop me. it was scrumptious to say the least…. For that matter it makes me long for it’s snugglability, makes me crave a nap wrapped in it’s loving caress…
You may think my love of a blanky is strange, especially considering we just met, however I know he is the one, my soul mate, my blanky… My daughter has already tried to wheedle blanky visitation out of me, but I am onto her, I know better, I know she simply means to run off with my beloved. I cannot, I will not allow that to happen. For he is mine and I am his, I will protect my blanky to my dying breath. To those of you who think I have lost it, finally gone off the deep end, you’re wrong, you’re just jealous you have yet to find the blanky of your dreams…
Once again I’ve hit a rough spot, it’s getting better though. I honesty believe I am starting to accept the fact that what others think of me, what they feel towards me, is not a product of my doing, that it is a reflection of their inadequacies, their insecurities. I am realizing that there are those who can only deal with the shithole of their life by tearing others down. Those who project their ignorance on others attempting to disown it. People who claim that they are disparaging you for your own good, that they are beating you up because they care. That if only you would do what they wanted, be who they wish you were, then there would be no need for them to put you down, to remind you how you aren’t good enough. Those people, the petty insecure ignoramuses that I have allowed into my life, the asshats I have let influence my self worth, the bow legged swamp donkeys of this world who cause agony and strife wherever they go. They are the ones I no longer need, will no longer tolerate, will no longer allow to share my air. They simply are not worth it.
I will take the time to embrace the good in me… My giving heart, my generosity, my intelligence, my compassion.
I will take the time to share my gifts… My love of cooking, my love of capturing nature through photography, my passion for finding the beauty in others and around me.
I will take the time to be grateful for all I have been given… By my friends, by strangers, by those who have never met me but support me all the same.
I will take the time to teach my children… To hope, to dream, to love themselves no matter what others do.
I will take the time to be patient… With myself, with others, with the situations I find myself in.
I will take the time to be myself… To find out who I truly am, to find my purpose.
I will no longer allow myself to be held back by anyone, including me. I will achieve my goals, embrace the hope I have, chase my dreams. I am so much more than I have allowed myself to be, I am one of a kind, I am me.
Time, time, time, often there is never enough, but it takes too much. Sometimes it seems to drag on forever, others it gets away from us. It can control us, motivate us, remind us. It never stops moving forward whether we make notice of it or not. We can do many things, but we cannot manipulate time. Once it has passed it is gone forever. Time cannot be undone it is what it is and always will be. We can look back upon our past with fondness or regret, but we cannot alter it, only learn from it. I myself have wasted more time then I care to admit, however I am slowly but surely learning from the mistakes I have made during my periods of lost time. Moving forward with new found knowledge is all I can do. Having the time to do so is all I can hope for.
Time is of the essence…
Procrastination is my forte, putting it off until later is my way. Unfortunately it rarely if ever works out for the best. Deep down I know that when you want something bad enough you must take the time, make the time to achieve your desires. However knowing something and applying it are all too often very different things, at least for someone like me. I have so many ideas, so many desires, so much I want to do, to accomplish, but I rarely do. I let time slip away from me and am left with nothing but regret, I take time for granted. I cannot even begin to fathom how much I have lost simply by putting things off, by pretending that there will always be more time later to accomplish my goals. Time truly is of the essence, never put off tomorrow what you can do today for tomorrow may never come.
Time flies…
As a mom, I often wonder where has the time gone when I look at my children. When did my son become such a fine young man? When did my baby, my precious mini me begin to turn into such a gorgeous young lady? I can remember holding them, nursing them, their first words, learning to walk, each and every milestone they have passed. It’s hard to believe it has been almost 17 years since I walked into St. Josephs Hospital to be induced… Time passes before we realize it. One day we are children, the next we have children of our own. We make memories to last a lifetime. Recollections that can make us wistful, longing for a simpler time. Contemplations that can cause us to question our use of time… Did we do our best? Were our choices correct? Could we have done anything differently, better perhaps? We will never know for we cannot go back in time using hindsight to correct foresight, or lack thereof as the case may be.
Time is money…
Most of us would never dream about wasting money on worthless pursuits, mostly because we cannot afford to, yet we think nothing of wasting time, which is far worse. Time is money, but unlike money you cannot replace what has been lost, you can never get back wasted time. For every minute you waste fretting and hesitating, for every hour spent worrying over that which cannot be changed you are throwing time away, you are casting aside the very opportunity to do something worthwhile, something productive. We can use our time to increase out wealth, to grow our money, however no amount of money can buy you time…
Time heals all wounds…
Healing is not an erasure of all evidence of harm, of injury, rather it is how we recover, how we overcome trauma, pain, it is how we cope. A healed wound is a reminder, a reminder of the causation, a reminder of a time which we would more often than not rather forget. However the scars left by healing wounds also make us realize we survived, changed perhaps, not the same as we once were, but we survived to continue on, to live again. The scars will never completely leave us, but they will fade, become far less noticeable, they will become something which we can live with instead of suffer through. Given enough time, we can move on, adapt to a new reality, accept that while we are forever changed we are not forever broken, we still have time…
Killing time…
Wasting time, killing time, we all do it, it is a normal part of life, of being human, we can’t be on 24/7, it’s just not possible…The quandary comes in finding a balance, in making sure you aren’t wasting time that is needed for something else. Our lives are limited by time, but without downtime we will never be able to live the life we need to live, the life we deserve to lead. We all need to learn how to temper work with relaxation, effort with languor, stress with calm. It is this balancing act which makes life worth living, makes pain worth enduring, makes love worth giving. it makes time and everything guided by time worthwhile.
It’s about time…
This blog is more about personal epiphanies rather than public pronouncements, all the time I have wasted on that which is not important, that which has scarred me, that which had no need to ever exist in my life. It is about the blessings I have received over time, how fleeting they may have been, the joy they have brought and continue to bring me. Time is precious, it is all that many of us have. I need to remember that, I need to focus on what I can do with the time I have left rather than rue what I have done with time past. It’s about damn time I figured this out…
Didn’t sleep much last night, mostly my fault, although I would much rather blame the delicious can of RockStar Zero Carb which tempted and taunted me until I turned it into a delicious slushie, but yeah, whatever. However even with my lack of decent rest this morning was rather smooth which was a good thing, I don’t believe my sleep deprived brain could have handled even the smallest rough spot. Everyone was up and ready to go and we actually left the house on time. Xav kissed me goodbye and sat down on the stairs to wait for his ride while Ana and I headed out into the morning for our journey to the bus stop. The walk there was uneventful and a bit quiet, Ana seemed a bit subdued, but that didn’t last. Once we arrived at her stop to await the arrival of the bus she almost immediately lapsed into her normal animated self which this morning led to an extremely amusing conversation…..
Ana :: “OH!! Tomorrow’s Wednesday, Last Supper Day!!!” (while doing a goofy little happy dance)
Me ::” What? Last Supper?
Me :: “Oh you mean your class is reenacting the Last Supper?”
Ana :: “Yeah, in Atrium we get to have the Last Supper”
Ana :: “We get grape juice, and bread, we get BREAD!“
Me :: “So do you guys act….”
Ana :: “Yes everyone plays a part…”
Me :: “Do you get to be Jesus?”
Ana :: (shooting me a somewhat exasperated disgusted look while rolling her eyes) “No“
Ana :: “I just hope I don’t have to Play Simon again this year”
Me :: “Sim…”
Ana :: “He’s the aggressive one…”
Me :: “At least you don’t have to play Jud….”
Ana :: “OH!! Last year, there weren’t enough of us and the teacher had to play him…”
Ana :: (Staring wistfully off into the distance) “They should have beef jerky at the Last Supper, it goes good with bread”
Me :: (WTF??) “Uhm……”
Me :: “Okay sweetie, get up, here comes your bus….”
Me :: “Have a great day, enjoy your Last Supper (my sleep deprived brain forgot that it was tomorrow not today)”
Me :: “Love You”
Ana :: “Bye Mom, Love you too”
That’s my morning, random insanity that left me scratching my head and giggling at the absurdity of it all. Walking home from the bus stop wondering if I should send in beef jerky for the class, because it goes good with bread of course….I’m sure they had jerky in biblical days, didn’t they?
My Pie Man told me the other day that I don’t post positivity nearly enough on my blog, that I all too often let my frustration with the world in general focus my sight on the negative. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t mean I think that it is necessarily a bad thing. I honestly believe that the things that are screwed up in the world today need to be exposed, removed from the secrecy that all too often surrounds them, and brought forth into the light. However seeing as how he does have a legitimate point, I am going to make a conscious effort to inject more positivity into my writing, starting today….
If the entry’s title didn’t clue you in, I’ll be blunt, this entire entry is nothing more than a magnificent list of all that I am grateful for in my life, all that makes me smile….
Every weekday morning I walk the little one to school. On days when I have a bit of pocket change we stop at the store to get her a stick of her beloved beef jerky. After we cross the street, but before she opens it she must do the requisite beef jerky dance. I can’t really describe it, might have to take a video someday, but no matter how rotten I feel, how sleep deprived I am, her antics never fail to bring a smile to my face.
Every night before laying down, no matter how rotten his day has been, no matter if we have been arguing, no matter how irritated he may be at his sister my oldest always sneaks up on my short ass and gives me a kiss on the top of my head, or bighead as he calls it. No matter how far he has pushed me or how crappy my day has been, that simple unqualified gesture bring a smile to my heart as well as my face.
Whenever my Socialist has the time and/or inclination to call me, the first word out of his mouth is always a gentle “heya” in his irresistibly sweet accent. No matter how grumpy I am, how frustrated I am with the kids, how fed up I am with the sheer ignorance of humanity, it guarantees an instant smile.
Ah, my Pie Man, what does he do that doesn’t make me smile? He can turn a frown upside down quicker than a kangaroo hopped up on meth. Whether it is delving into the intricacies of his harem, or discussing Jorge Rodriguez and the Buttflap Footie Jammies I can’t help but smile when I am in contact with him.
My Buffalo Butt is yet another great source for smiles by the truck load. Whether it is the links to U2 videos, live stream of bald eagles nesting with their offspring, or just his self depreciating humor, one cannot help but smile in his presence.
And how could I forget the little Blond Goddess, her wit, her intelligence, her compassion, her ability to commiserate in one breath, stop me from taking myself so seriously with another. Her aura alone calms me, brings me peace, makes me smile at the ridiculousness of myself.
There are so very many more people and things which bring a smile to my face, however until I can figure out more code names as not to divulge any identities I will stop for now. However this entry, this little exercise in positivity has made me see that no matter how bad things are, somewhere, somehow, there is always a silver lining amongst at least one of the clouds. I really need to remember that, I will remember that.
As you can tell by yesterdays entry, my anger at current events had gotten the best of me. What better way to deal with it than to rant to no one in particular but everyone at the same time? I figured that way I wouldn’t take it out on the people around me, my kids, people online, the friend I was texting back and forth with… Which brings me to some background for this entry….
My friend, aka Pie Man, had been texting me on and off all morning. He asked how the kids were doing, what the weather was like, what I had planned for the day, nothing major, just typical friend stuff. Then he asked if I would be around later and I told him I thought so followed by “Why?”. He responded by saying he was going to call me later. Seeing nothing strange about that I accepted it and moved on. Roughly two hours after that exchange he texts me and say’s hes at the bakery, what kind of pie do I want… I of course respond PIE PIE PIE seeing as how my Pie Man has owed me pies for months but has never delivered using the excuse he can’t ship them, it’s been a running joke for quite some time now. You see, my pie man lives in a different time zone than I, we met on the net but it didn’t take long at all for us to fall into the comfort of an old friendship… Anyways, after the pie message I get one saying “I finally found pie, make coffee I’ll be there in half an hour”. Of course I knew he was teasing so I just giggled to myself and went back to pouring out my angst with society into my blog.
Roughly 45 minutes later I was deep into my blog, getting more and more irritated with society in general as the minutes passed. Several times I had to self edit simply because I was going off the deep end in my opinion. Of course it was at the height of this frustration that someone knocked at the door. I ignored it because seeing as how I live in a so called secure building I knew it wasn’t for me and went back to writing. Then came the knock again which did not help my frustration level. By this time my inner bitch was in full attack mode so somewhat hastily I decided to give the knocker a piece of my mind. As I angrily marched to the door I was working out what I would say. I would have loved to swing the door wide open and scream “WHAT?”, however seeing as I was pantsless and do not live in the greatest neighborhood I simply cracked my door with an evil glare in my eyes. That evil glare quickly faded into wide eyes and a dropped jaw when I saw who my visitor was… To my astonishment it was my Pie Man, bearing gifts… So of course I slammed the door in his face.
I could hear him laughing in the hallway as I attempted to regain some composure, and clothing too. When I re-emerged from my apartment I all but tackled him in the hallway and immediately started to cry. The hug he gave me back was amazing, words cannot describe how good it felt to be held like that by someone you care for and cares for you. After my mini meltdown we embarked upon a stroll to the nearby park and had a wonderful visit full of conversation, laughter, and just pure happiness. During the visit he bestowed numerous gifts upon me, yes, including pie, a lovely apple pie (which with the help of my children was finished off after dinner this evening). However the best gift of all was having my Pie Man there, in the flesh, doing nothing but being my friend. I couldn’t ask for anything more. After an all too short visit due to issues on my end parting was hard, but promises where made, which will be kept, to return the visit. Trust me, I plan on shocking the living hell out of my Pie Man…
As I walked back to my apartment with a sheen of tears blurring my vision I almost missed the package on the floor outside my door. Due to my tear blurred sight I couldn’t make out the senders address on the box so I simply picked it up and went inside. Once inside I set the package down and grabbed some tissue to take care of my issues. Once my vision was back to normal I saw who the package was from and once again my eyes went wide and the jaw was back on the floor… And this time I couldn’t blame my Pie Man. As I tore into the tape with my keys and teeth the tears started to threaten again. Once I got the package open and saw what was inside I was sunk. I removed the soft stuffed seal from his bed of packing materials and held him close. My knees gave way and I sunk to the floor cradling my seal close as tears streamed down my face. You see this package was from another friend I had met on the net. We bonded over photography at first, but that quickly deepened into true friendship. Anyways, back to the seal…
I will refer to this friend as the Socialist, because that’s my nickname for him, lol. He had gone to California recently for an interview (which he aced btw), and had taken multitudes of magnificent pictures including a plethora of seal shots. Prior to his trip I had shared an adorable video clip with him showing a photographer cuddling with seals…
…and began to pick on him incessantly about him imitating said photographer. That being said I was not surprised when he made a special effort just to capture seals on film for me. While I teased him to no end about not cuddling with them, nor sending me a live seal (which to this day he claims to have done, just that it got lost and went to Canada instead) I was touched that he took the pictures for me. But when the package arrived and there was a small stuffed seal just looking up at me with glossy black eyes I was lost. All the joy of the day hit me at once and made me realize just how blessed I am. Just how wonderful people can be.
You always hear people say that the net isn’t real, that a friend on the net isn’t a real friend. I say BULLSHIT! I have Pie and a Seal that prove otherwise… Friends can be found anywhere, whether down the street or hundreds of miles away. Distance doesn’t define true friendship, what is contained within the heart does. As I have clearly witnessed, the heart knows no bounds as limited as distance.
Life is not neat, it is not tidy, it is most definitely not sterile. Life cannot be put in a pretty window display to be admired by the longing masses. Life is messy, it’s dirty and grungy, sweaty and stinky. Life is real. Life is not something to be observed from afar, life is a participation sport. Sitting on the sideline and watching others live the life that is passing you by is not living by any stretch of the imagination. Living requires courage. Courage to try and fail, courage to pick yourself up. dust yourself off, and try again. Living is all about taking chances, growing, expanding your horizons. Using caution, safety, comfort as excuses to hold yourself back, to keep yourself from reaching your fullest potential is not living at all, it is merely going through the motions. Until people are able to cast off the crutches society has given them to use in place of living, we will continue to mask our inner abilities, to wallow in what could have been rather than embracing all that could be.
So what if you fail? It’s part of LIFE
So what if it hurts? It’s part of LIFE
So what if you make a mistake? It’s part of LIFE
So what if you get dirty? It’s part of LIFE
Stop pretending to live and start embracing all that life has to offer. Take a chance, Try something new, Dance in the rain, Sing out loud, Do something, anything.
Most of all…..
Be Someone Special, BE YOURSELF!
Thank you dearest for inspiring this blog, you know who you are, and one day hopefully you will know how deeply you have impacted me…
